September 28, 1996 (Tom Hanks)

"Astronaut Shannon Lucid, back on earth after a record six months in space, was welcomed home Tuesday with a phone call from President Clinton. Said the President, "This is just the beginning. One day we will be able to send an American in to space indefinitely and I hope it's a woman." (picture of Hillary Clinton shown)"

"In election news, the latest CNN poll shows Republican candidate Bob Dole pulling to within just 10 points of President Clinton. A spokesman for the Dole campaign said "That's impossible!""

"In Los Angeles this week, the defense suffered a setback in the second O.J. trial when Simpson was ordered to turn over a secret videotape which lawyers say contains proof of his guilt. What's on the tape? The first O.J. trial.''

"America's most eligible bachelor, John Kennedy Jr., married fiancee Carolyn Bissett last weekend. The ceremony went off without a hitch, except for an embarrassing moment when a slightly tipsy Ted Kennedy bumped into the groom, dropped his trousers, attacked the maid of honor, attacked the maid of honor's roommate, attacked the maid of honor's aunt, vomited on the photographer and finally passed out peacefully on the wedding cake.''

"This week, fighting along the Northern Iraqi border escalated as 20,000 Turkish troops, backed by warplanes and helicopters, launched a massive attack against a tribe of Kurdish rebels. In retaliation, the Kurds fired back with their secret weapon – the tiny clump of dirt.''

"In the Midwest last week, Bob Dole charged that if President Clinton is re-elected, he'll put Hillary Clinton in charge of welfare reform. Asked to respond, President Clinton said, "Yes, it's true. Also Chelsea will be secretary of state and my brother Roger will take over as drug czar. Oh and one more thing – I'm still gonna win.""

"Last week in Arizona, Marine Corps Engineers extended a steel barrier between the United States and Mexico by two and a half miles. It's all part of a plan to make illegal aliens walk an extra two and a half miles.''

"This week Dr. Kervorkian was granted an emergency 30-day permit to carry a handgun, after telling a court he fears "right-wing nuts." But if you ask me, I think he's just getting a little lazy.''

"Civil Rights legend Rosa Parks, heroine of the 1955 Alabama bus boycott, paid a visit last week to MTV's "Choose or Lose" bus. The visit turned ugly however, when Ms. Parks was forced to give up her seat to Kurt Loder.''

"Twentieth Century Fox has announced that Macaulay Culkin will not be hired to star in "Home Alone 3." Studio spokesmen said, "It's nothing personal, but with Culkin now 16 years of age the only way to keep him in the film would be to make the character retarded.''"

"Speaking in Florida earlier this week, Bob Dole launched his harshest attack yet on President Clinton, accusing him of "naked failure of leadership"' and "moral confusion" in the fight against drugs. In response President Clinton said, "Everything you say is true. But guess what, I'm still gonna win.'"'

"The Federal Aviation Administration has come up with a list of 30 changes to make air travel safer. No. 1 on the list – no more crashes.''

"At the box office, last week's No. 1 movie, "The First Wives Club," was knocked out of the top spot by the new film, "The Hotter, Younger, 2nd Wives Club.''"

"In business news, two of the nations leading office supply retailers – Office Depot and Staples Office Supply – have announced a merger. Wall street insiders are calling it "the most boring merger ever.''"

"Boxer Tommy Morrison, who is HIV positive, has announced plans to come out of retirement for 1 last fight. When asked about the possible health risks that his opponents face, Morrison said, "They might get AIDS.''"

"In Bridgeport, Conn., the Shaghticoke Indian tribe is seeking recognition by the Bureau of Indian Affairs in order to open either a manufacturing company or a casino ... Hmmm, I wonder which one they'll choose.''

"According to the EPA, it will cost an estimated $295 million to clean up toxic waste at the former Lockheed Martin Military Air Craft Plant in California. The cause of the toxic waste, you guessed it – Frank Stallone.''

"In Lexington, North Carolina, the principal of an elementary school has been harshly criticized for a controversial decision to suspend a 1st grader who kissed a girl in class, on grounds of sexual harassment. Now while this may sound like an overreaction, it should be noted that this is the first grader.'' (picture of grown man shown)

October 5, 1996 (Lisa Kudrow)

"In less than 24 hours, the first presidential debate of the campaign will be underway, and today both candidates were at Hartford's Bushnell Auditorium for some last minute fine-tuning. President Clinton is still deciding which themes to emphasize in his opening remarks while Bob Dole is deciding whether to pull the fire alarm or phone in a bomb threat.''

"A new CIA study may reveal that as many as 15,000 U.S. troops were exposed to Iraqi chemical weapons during the Gulf War. Although their exposure took place in March of 1991, the debilitating effects were not discovered until November of 1992, when all 15,000 voted for Ross Perot.''

"As Baltimore and Cleveland meet this week in divisional playoff action, the big story in baseball continues to be Oriole second baseman Roberto Alomar, under a dark cloud for spitting in the face of umpire John Hirshbeck, then telling reporters the umpire's performance has been sloppy ever since the death of his son. Asked to comment, Cleveland catcher Sandy Alomar, not to be confused with Roberto Alomar, told reporters, "I'm Sandy Alomar, not to be confused with Roberto Alomar.''"

"According to newly released confidential memos, presidents of the nation's largest tobacco companies decided as early as 1964 that cigarettes should contain increasingly higher and higher levels of nicotine. Asked to comment, a spokesman for the tobacco industry said "Really. That's interesting," then got plastic surgery and moved to France.''

"Despite pressure, jailed Whitewater swindlers Jim and Susan McDougall are still refusing to testify about President Clinton's role in the scandal and some are charging that the President has secretly promised them a pardon in return for their silence. Well, in a candid interview this week, the President admitted that he might consider pardoning the two, but only after making "Every effort to have them killed in prison.''"

"Washington D.C. mayor Marion Barry is in hot water again. This time, for bringing 54 government employees with him on a trip to a posh West Virginia resort. According to Barry, "Thats how many guys it takes to keep me from smoking crack.''"

"Last week in Calcutta, India, Mother Theresa suffered a slight concussion when she slipped and bumped her head. Doctors say the eighty-six-year-old nun is completely back to normal except for one interesting difference ... she now hates poor people.''

"The October issue of Penthouse, now on newstands, contains a picture billed as "The Alien: the World's First Authentic Photograph." A survey of Penthouse readers finds that 60 percent think the photo is a fake while only 40 percent think it's real. All 100 percent however found it "Surprisingly easy to masturbate to.''"

"According to a new Entertainment Weekly poll, 72 percent of their readers would not be offended if a TV show's lead character were gay. Though that figure sinks to 1 percent when these readers are reminded that being gay can involve anal sex.''

"Walmart stores have banned singer Sheryl Crow's latest album because of a lyric in one of her songs that says "Walmart sells guns to children." Oddly, the store made no objection to another lyric in the song: "Walmart sells crap.''"

"After numerous requests, the National Institute of Health has finally granted funds to the University of New Mexico in order to test mice for the deadly hantavirus. Although I'm sure the government would have acted a lot sooner if, instead of mice, the hantavirus was killing off rich white guys.'' ("Applaud Now" flashes on screen)

"In Connecticut this week, Glastonbury High awarded Thomas Hennessy his high school diploma at the age of 102. Way to go Thomas. In today's world, without a diploma, you've got no future.''

"Finally, this week lawyers in the new O.J. Simpson trial actually found a prospective juror who claims to know nothing about O.J. Simpson, the murders, or the first trial, and who told the court "I don't even know when it started or ended." Unfortunately, the man had to be disqualified, when it was learned he'd been a juror in the first O.J. trial.''

October 19, 1996 (Bill Pullman)

"According to a new CNN poll, Republican candidate Bob Dole now trails President Clinton by 15 points. A Dole campaign spokesman says that, despite these numbers, it is still possible for them to reach their ultimate goal – to lose by seven points.''

"While jogging on the beach in San Diego this weekend, President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, "You're a draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar and you're a disgrace to the office of the presidency, to your gender and to this nation!" – adding, "And I'm still voting for you.''"

"During a recent interview on "20/20," longtime O.J. Simpson friend Robert Kardashian said he now believes Simpson may be guilty. Though he did add that, had he believed O.J. was guilty at the time, he would never have agreed to hide his bloody clothes and knife.''

"Joycelyn Elders' new book, "Joycelyn Elders M.D.," came out this week. I read it.'' (Norm mimics masturbation motion)

"This week, London tabloids reported that model Jerry Hall has filed for divorce from Mick Jagger, ending a twenty-year relationship. Although I'm sure this is a difficult time for Mick, it must be kind of exciting after twenty years to finally get a chance to sleep with other women.''

"Meanwhile, Bob Dole brought his struggling presidential campaign to New Jersey vowing, in his words, to prove Yogi Berra was right when he said, "It ain't over 'til it's over." Reached for comment, Yogi Berra said, "It's over.''"

"After a fifteen-year absence, the New York Yankees are back in the World Series and some New Yorkers have come up with a novel way of snagging those hard-to-come-by tickets: murdering guys with tickets and stealing them.''

"The New York Post reported last week that a prostitute charged with leaving her four youngest children alone in their roach-infested Brooklyn apartment had been under investigation for years as a negligent mother. What's more, apparently the woman was also a really lousy prostitute.''

"Last week, a buyer in Oman payed $390,000 for a camel, the highest price ever payed for a camel. Even in the middle east, many are wondering why anyone would pay that much ... Good god, that's a sexy camel.''

"In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for telling her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the woman is armed and extremely fat.''

"In England, a much publicized videotape of a naked Princess Diana having sex with her lover Captain James Hewitt has turned out to be a fake. On the bright side, it's still a video of two naked people having sex.''

"And in Brunswick, Maine an outbreak of the deadly canine parvo virus has led to the local humane society killing many of its dogs. Gee, I wonder if the humane society would kill off victims of canine parvo if, instead of dogs, they were rich old white guys.'' ("Applaud Now" flashes on screen)

"And finally, Weekend Update would like to congratulate Madonna, who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Monday. The baby weighed in at six pounds, nine ounces, making it the fourth largest object ever to pass through  Madonna's birth canal. Congratulations Madonna.''

October 26, 1996 (Dana Carvey)

"This week presidential candidate Bob Dole sent his top campaign aide to Dallas in an effort to convince Ross Perot to drop out of the race and endorse the Dole ticket. Emerging from the two-hour meeting with Perot, the aide announced, "I'm voting for Ross Perot.''"

"In the final days of the Bob Dole campaign, Bob Dole has $19 million left to spend while President Clinton has more than $32 million. Dole plans to use his $19 million for TV ads, radio spots and mass mailings, while a confident President Clinton has allotted all of his $32 million to a crooked Arkansas land scheme.''

"Though more indictments are likely in the Whitewater investigation, President Clinton is still refusing to say whether he will pardon former Whitewater associates Jim and Susan McDougall. But, when asked if he would pardon First Lady Hillary Clinton, the President was crystal clear, "She does the crime she does the time.''"

"At his civil trial in Los Angeles this week, O.J. Simpson's attorneys began their case with an attack on Nicole Brown Simpson's character. Outraged Brown family lawyers responded, "Nicole is a victim, no matter what she did. She certainly didn't cut her own throat." To which Simpson's attorneys replied, "On the contrary, that is precisely what we intend to prove.''"

"A new study funded by tobacco giant Philip Morris claims that the nicotine in cigarettes may actually help prevent Alzheimer's disease. Executives at Phillip Morris caution that the study is not conclusive, but just to be safe, everyone on earth should start smoking.'' 

"This week, TWA announced plans to reconstruct the Bowing 747 that exploded in Flight 800. Man, talk about cheap.''

"At a campaign stop in Florida on Thursday, a frustrated Bob Dole told a reporter, "Something's wrong with America. I wonder sometimes what people are thinking about, if people are thinking at all." At which point the reporter said, "Can you repeat that, I was thinking about how I am voting for Bill Clinton.''"

"Earlier tonight, the New York Yankees defeated the Atlanta Braves 3-2 to win the 1996 World Series. As a result, Atlanta Mayor Bill Campbell will send a bushel of delicious Georgia peaches to New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. Had the Braves won, Mayor Giuliani would have sent Mayor Campbell a bushel of delicious New York crack.''

"Pop singer Madonna was outraged this week when a tabloid photographer snapped her picture while she was breast-feeding her new baby. Apparently the baby was blocking her nipple.''

"An independent study released this week confirms that President Clinton has appointed more minorities to high-level government posts than any other president. For purposes of the study, women were counted as minorities and Attorney General Janet Reno was counted as a woman.''

"Against the Jets last week, Buffalo Bills running back Thurman Thomas broke O.J. Simpson's career rushing record. And, the week before he surpassed Simpson in career touchdowns. Next up for Thomas – an attempt to kill 3 people at once.''

"In Princess Anne Maryland, state health officials have discovered what caused the mysterious death of 200,000 fish at a Somerset county fish farm. The culprit, you guessed it – Frank Stallone.''

"In Topeka, Kansas, the fire department is now using a new weapon to fight arson, a black Labrador trained to sniff out chemicals used in setting fires. Though it should be noted, if the dog is correct, the culprit in every arson fire this month is some other dog's ass.''

"In Madison, Wisconsin, a painting that depicts a large rat sucking at the breast of the Virgin Mary was removed from a high school art display due to complaints by local residents. The artist blamed the complaints on a lack of art education, while I blame the complaints on the fact that it was a painting of a large rat sucking the breast of the Virgin Mary.'' 

"Finally, this week fire destroyed the home of Latin singing star Julio Iglesias. Music lovers everywhere had the same reaction – "Yes!''"

November 2, 1996 (Chris Rock)

"Yesterday, in a dramatic finish to his White House bid, Bob Dole began a 96-hour, 15-state non-stop campaign tour that will take him right up to election day. Political experts are calling the grueling marathon a "last-ditch effort," while medical experts are calling it a "suicide attempt.''"

"At a rally in California this week, Dole urged voters to ignore polls which have him trailing President Clinton by double digits. In addition, Dole asked them to ignore newspaper headlines next Wednesday that say, "Dole loses in landslide.''"

"Meanwhile, a new development in the case of John Wong, the mysterious Indonesian accused of illegally raising millions for the Democratic party. Earlier this week, secret service logs show that Mr. Wong had visited the White House more than 60 times. But on Friday, administration spokesmen revealed that there are actually 2 John Wongs. Furthermore, they stress that the John Wong who visited the White House is a different man. He isn't the fund raiser. He's the guy who killed Vince Foster.''

"Well, the New York Yankees are the 1996 World Series champions. And, this week, 3 million Yankees fans gathered on the streets of New York to honor their heroes. While the fans were of different ages, races, and religions, they shared one thing in common – they were all standing in urine.''

"The giant ticker-tape parade for the Yankees left nearly 4 tons of confetti on Manhattan streets and sidewalks. But New York officials do have a plan for dealing with the confetti – leaving it there to soak up all that urine.''

"At an emotional press conference this week, a now exonerated Richard Jewell spoke about his ordeal as the chief suspect in the Olympic Park bombing. "I couldn't think straight, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat," he said, then later he admitted, "Alright, I could eat.''"

"In business news ... a British company has announced its intention to purchase telecommunications giant MCI. This after MCI called the British company's owner at home 5000 times. "

"Ballots will be mailed out next week in the election for president of the Teamsters Union, with incumbent Ron Carey squaring off against Jimmy Hoffa Jr. Hoffa is eager to follow in his father's footsteps, except for that last footstep where he disappeared forever. That's the footstep he wants to avoid.''

"Now that John F. Kennedy Jr. is a married man, who is the world's most eligble bachelor? Well, when reporters aked J.F.K. himself who he thought was the world's most eligible bachelor he said, "Actually it's still me.''"

"A French government survey finds that Disney Land Paris is the most popular tourist attraction in the country. And the most popular ride – Women Who Don't Shave Their Arm-Pits of the Caribbean.''

"At the Simpson Civil trail this week, O.J. and Fred Goldman got into an explosive shouting match. Mr. Goldman bellowed at O.J., "Don't give me that damn look.'' While O.J. shouted back, ""I wasn't even looking at you. You're just mad 'cause I killed your son.''"

"In the December issue of Playboy, "60 Minutes" reporter Mike Wallace reaveled that he has not only smoked marijuana, but that it made him sexually arroused. According to Wallace he made these comments in an effort to frighten young people off sex and drugs forever.''

"In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strong enough to handle the pain of losing the Presidential Election. Although he did admit that the shock of winning would give him a giant heart attack.''

"In Detroit, under a new prison rehabilitation program called Fresh Start, employers will get a tax break if they hire an ex-convict. Employers who hire more than one ex-convict will get robbed and killed.'' 

"In economic news ... unemployment figures rose slightly for the month of October, with declines in the Dow Jones and NASDAC. The reason for the sudden downturn, you guessed it – Frank Stallone.''

"Finally, psychiatrist Kurt Freund, one of the worlds leading experts on the study of deviant sexual arousal, passed away last week at the age of 82. Dr. Freund's last words were, "Whatever happens to me, could someone please make sure that the headline on my obituary does not contain the phrase "deviant sexual arousal"? Would that be to much to ask from you, you dirty bastards.''"

November 16, 1996 (Robert Downey Jr.)

"Michael Jackson was married this week to his longtime friend. He says that already she is teaching him the power of imagination. Like pretending that she is a ten year old boy."

"Michael Jackson will soon be a father. In anticipation, Jackson has started hiring extra security, bodyguards, and staffers. All these are to protect the child from Michael Jackson."

"O.J. Simpson is in a new trial to determine custody for his two children. When asked how much he loves his children, Simpson replied "They're still alive, aren't they?""

"David Brinkley apologized for his statements saying that President Clinton was boring and uncreative. In a recent interview, Brinkley said that Clinton was indeed creative in hiding the body of Vincent Foster."

November 23, 1996 (Phil Hartman)

"Last week, at a dramatic press conference about the crash of TWA Flight 800, ABC news correspondent Pierre Salinger displayed a document which he believes is proof the jet was shot down by a U.S. Navy missile. Later, he proudly showed reporters his solid-gold Rolex he bought on the street for just fifteen dollars.''

"Actress Sherry Stringfield announced this week that she's leaving the hit series "ER." Several actors have already expressed great interest in the part including Shelly Long and David Caruso.''

"After "Space Jam's" smash opening last weekend, Michael Jordan's promoters have good reason to turn him into a movie star. Apparently there's still some money in the world he doesn't have yet.'' 

"On Tuesday, the space shuttle Columbia began a 16-day mission with a crew that includes astronaut Story Musgrove -- at 61, the oldest person ever in space. NASA Command Center has already spotted the shuttle circling the earth at fifteen miles an hour with the left blinker on.''

"Last weekend, in a dramatic rescue off the coast of Long Island, fishermen pulled a 300-pound man from frigid waters. They were alerted by his desperate cries of "Help! Help! I'm starving!''"

"This week in Los Angeles civil court, an FBI expert testified that shoe prints left by the killer exactly match shoes belonging to O.J. Simpson. In response, O.J. stood up and exclaimed, "Wait a minute. Wait a doggone minute. I just figured it out. The real killer is me!''"

"In order to cut down on in-flight fatalities, American Airlines has decided to upgrade the medical kits on all its planes. Each kit will now contain common life-saving drugs, a heart defibrillator, and a spare plane.''

"A Connecticut hotel where Bill Clinton spent the night has donated to a charity auction a bagel the president ordered from room service but never ate. Though potential bidders should be advised ... while the president never actually ate the bagel, he did have, quote, "relations' with it.''"

December 7, 1996 (Martin Short)

"With growing indications that First Lady Hillary Clinton may be indicted for her role in Whitewater, President Clinton is reportedly starting to prepare for that possibility. Plans so far include renting a hall, hiring a band and making a giant bathtub with margaritas.''

"This week President Clinton made history when he nominated Madeline Albright to be the first female Secretary of State. Responding to critics who say she's not the best choice, the President insisted, "She looks a lot better after a couple of drinks.''"

"Jonathon Schmitz, the "Jenny Jones" guest who killed his secret gay admirer because of his disgust at the idea of homosexuality, has been sentenced to 25 years in prison. In my opinion, this is a classic case of a plan backfiring.''

"According to researchers in Australia, Koala bears have fingerprints so close to those of humans they could easily be mistaken by police at the scene of a crime. It should be noted, however, the research was funded by O.J. Simpson.''

"The New York Post has reported that Michael Jackson wants his closest friend, Elizabeth Taylor, to be the godmother of his child. However, those close to the pair worry this could eventually lead to heated arguments over  whether the child will be molested or eaten.'' 

"This week, Donald Trump announced that he won $20 million by betting on Evander Holyfield in his recent fight with Mike Tyson. Trump says he went public with his huge gambling win just in case there are a few people out there who still don't hate him.''

"And it's been reported that Keanu Reeves is engaged to actress Amanda DeCadenet. Asked to comment, Keanu said, "What? I thought I was gay.''"

"According to a new study, the less a woman weighs when she is born, the lower her chance of getting breast cancer later in life. The study was performed by the Center for Stuff You Can't Do Anything About.''

"In Amsterdam, a rubber factory has begun producing waterbeds for cows. Let that be a reminder to anyone who wants to legalize marijuana here in the United States.''

December 14, 1996 (Rosie O'Donnell)

"Our top story tonight comes from the O.J. Simpson civil trial, where this week it was revealed that in his first interview with police, Simpson had refused to take a lie detector test. His reason --it detects lies.''

"Meanwhile, Simpson defense attorney Robert Baker argued that a dark spot in a crime scene photo was a "mystery shoe print," suggesting there were actually two killers. O.J. hopes this will support his theory that he did not act alone.''

"President Bill Clinton and Russian President Boris Yeltsin have made tentative plans to meet early next year. According to the White House, the pair will use the meeting to resume an ongoing debate --"drinking vs. pot smoking.''

"This week, the Chairman of the Board, Frank Sinatra, turned 81 years old, and was honored by having the Empire State Building lit in blue. Also in Mr. Sinatra's honor, the Empire State Building had the Twin Towers rough up the Chrysler building.''

"This week renowned heart surgeon Michael DeBakey attacked the hypocrisy of Hollywood stars who oppose the use of animals in medical research, yet wear ribbons supporting the war on deadly diseases like AIDS. In response, animal activist Ricki Lake said, "But the red ribbon diverts attention from my gigantic ass.''"

"Grocery and department stores across America have added reserved parking spaces for expecting mothers. Especially excited about the innovation are handicapped drivers, who will finally get to park in someone else's space.''

"Famed anthropologist Mary Leakey died last Monday at the age of 83. Leakey was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace, until some nosy anthropologist digs her up.''

"The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people quit smoking. Though it should be noted, the drug is crack.''

"A top aviation watchdog group warned this week that the nation's airlines are vulnerable to terrorist attack. The biggest problem: watchdog groups pointing out to terrorists that airlines are vulnerable to attack.''

January 11, 1997 (Kevin Spacey)

"This Monday the Supreme Court will begin hearing arguments over whether Paula Jones' sexual harassment suit against President Clinton may proceed. Jones, who claims that while Governor of Arkansas, Clinton exposed himself to her in a hotel room, says she can accurately and precisely describe the President's genitalia. But, White House spokesmen scoff, "Any woman who's worked in Arkansas for the last 20 years could do that!""

"Russian President Boris Yeltsin was hospitalized for pneumonia this week triggering new worries about his health. Yeltsin himself remains unconcerned, however, because he's completely hammered."

"After forty years in California, the Los Angeles Dodgers are up for sale and many New York fans are calling for the team to return to Brooklyn. It's all part of a plan to mess with Bob Dole's mind."

"This week at the O.J. Simpson civil trial, the focus shifted from the defendant to the alleged character flaws of Nicole Brown Simpson. Attorneys for O.J. hammered away at her lifestyle, citing sexual promiscuity, drug use, and the fact that she married a double murderer."

"Eight letter bombs sent into the United States last week appear to have been mailed from the Middle East. FBI experts said it's too early to jump to conclusions, but, added, "It's Richard Jewell.""

"The FBI, still pursuing its investigation of the Olympic Park bombing, has decided to launch an Internet Web page. Net users can log on to view crime scene photos, leave tips, and try to guess Richard Jewell's weight."

"The Artist Formerly Known as Prince says he now wants to be known as simply, the Artist. Meanwhile, I will continue to refer to him as simply, the Fruit."

"In other music news, several major acts are on tour this month, including Counting Crows, Metallica, and the Fruit.''

"As of next week, ValuJet Airlines will discontinue service to Mobile, Ala. According to airline executives, this cost-cutting measure is expected to save the company over $200."

"And in medical news ... A new test can now detect prostate trouble months earlier than any previous test. The only down side: It involves shoving some huge device up your ass."

"Despite recent criticism, the school board of Oakland, Calif., has voted to proceed with its controversial Ebonics Program for city schools. In fact, school board officials today announced the winner of the first city-wide Ebonics spelling bee. Fourth-grader Soon Duk Kim."

January 18, 1997 (David Alan Grier)

"Late yesterday, the House subcommittee investigating Newt Gingrich finally issued its long-awaited report recommending the Speaker be given a reprimand and a $300,000 fine for minor ethical violations. Gingrich has promised to come up with the money promptly, though he admits it's going to involve giant ethical violations."

"According to the "U.S. News & World Report 1997 Career Guide," the best job in the United States for the second year in a row is "interactive business systems analyst." However, last year's worst job, "assistant crackwhore," has been replaced by a new worst job, "crackwhore trainee.""

"Meanwhile, with President Clinton's second inaugural approaching, attention has turned to what the women will be wearing at the festivities. According to the White House, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton will wear a gown by Oscar de la Renta, Tipper Gore will appear in a Jennifer George ensemble, and attorney general Janet Reno will be outfitted by Rochester Big and Tall."

"In dramatic testimony this week at his civil trial, O.J. Simpson said he didn't commit suicide only because, "My mother told me you don't go to heaven if you kill yourself." Oddly, his mother did say, "It's okay to kill other people.""

"In Atlanta this week, two separate bomb blasts rocked a building which houses an abortion clinic. Asked if there were any suspects, an FBI spokesman said, "We don't want to rush to judgement like we did in the Olympic Park bombing case," but added, "It's Richard Jewell.""

"Beginning in March, D.C. comics will change Superman's traditional red and blue costume to a new, form-fitting bodysuit. The problem with the old costume? Not gay enough."

"Last week in Canasota, N.Y., fight promoter Don King was elected to the International Boxing Hall of Fame. King graciously thanked the Hall of Fame for the honor, then took all its money and left it bankrupt."

"This week, the Reverend Jesse Jackson called for an end to his boycott of automaker Mitsubishi, citing improvements in job opportunities for minorities, and the fact that he couldn't find a word that rhymes with Mitsubishi."

"In Springfield, Mo., the local cable company mistakenly aired five minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network, during an episode of 'The Flintstones.' Children who saw the broadcast called it the greatest 'Flintstones' episode ever."

"In New York, state-of-the-art, self-cleaning public toilets may soon appear on city streets. In a survey, New Yorkers expressed their enthusiasm for the outdoor toilets, noting they are very easy to urinate on."

February 8, 1997 (Neve Campbell)

"As the jury's decision was announced, Nicole Brown's sister, Denise Brown, told reporters she felt ecstatic, while Johnnie Cochran said, "I accept the verdict and now we must move on." Meanwhile, Kato Kaelin said, "Please God, don't let it be over.""

"The announcement of the verdict came toward the end of President Clinton's annual State of the Union address and, to many observers, completely overshadowed the event. Even the President was distracted during his speech, waiting to hear exactly how much it costs to kill your wife."

"Five-thousand disabled Americans were in Washington, D.C., last week to protest doctor-assisted suicide. On a sad note, the demonstration turned ugly when all 5,000 fought over two handicapped parking spaces."

"Disgraced former presidential advisor Dick Morris revealed this week that President Clinton phoned him two days after the election. Pressed as to what the two men talked about during their three-hour conversation, Morris admitted, "Whores.""

"This week, the California Department of Corrections confirmed that Lyle Menendez and model Anna Erikson were married in prison. Following the ceremony Menendez spent a romantic wedding night being raped by two white guys and a big black guy."

"Skater Tonya Harding, banned from competing for the U.S. because of her part in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, received a setback this week when her request to skate for Norway was rejected. However, Harding remains optimistic she'll get the OK to compete for "The Republic of White-trash-istan.""

"TriStar Pictures is planning a film about the '70s disco act, the Village People. While the movie will be coming out next summer, it plans to wait until Thanksgiving to come out to its parents."

"And, in business news, American Express has announced plans to lay off 3,000 workers. According to the company, employees will be notified of the layoffs with pink slips reading simply, "Don't Leave Home.""

"According to a new ordinance in Kansas City, Miss., anyone convicted of indecent exposure, prostitution or soliciting prostitution will have his name posted on a local cable channel. If I can be permitted a personal comment, while the plan's goal of publicly shaming sex offenders is well intentioned, it is important to remember, in this democracy of ours, that Norm Macdonald is a very common name."

"Sources report that Michael Jackson's baby is due February 27 and it's going to be named Michael Jackson Jr. Michael plans to be with the mother during the delivery, in his words, to make up for not being there for the conception."

February 22, 1997 (Alec Baldwin)

"After American Airlines decided to cut fares by 50 percent last week, the four other major airlines said they would match the bargain ticket prices. Also fighting to stay competitive, discount carrier ValuJet announced it will now accept stolen credit cards and bad checks."

"In medical news, there are reports that suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian is considering retirement. As Kevorkian put it: "I always said I'd quit the day it stopped being fun.""

"In a startling reversal, Kenneth Starr announced yesterday that he would NOT resign as Whitewater Special Prosecutor, and that he now intends to stay on until the investigation is completed. This new development apparently did not trouble a confident President Clinton who still plans to resume making conjugal visits to Susan MacDougal."

"This week in Moscow, Secretary of State Madeline Albright and Russian President Boris Yeltsin sat down to discuss the delicate issue of NATO expansion. On emerging from what was described as a tense meeting, Ms. Albright said, "For this I traveled 5,000 miles, to meet with some drunken Meshugina. On my worst enemy I wouldn't wish this.""

"Meanwhile, the Indogate scandal continues to widen. Internal Democratic National Committee records now show that fundraiser John Huang was responsible for bringing two Chinese businessmen to the White House for a $180,000 "coffee" with the President. That works out to $90,000 a cup, though, in the President's defense, the coffee was Starbucks."

"This week in Washington, several prominent Democrats joined Republicans in pleading with Attorney General Janet Reno to investigate fundraising abuses. And to shave."

"At a book signing in New York this week, Fred Goldman once again offered to forget about the millions owed him by O.J. Simpson, if he would simply admit to the Brentwood murders. A visibly annoyed O.J. responded, "Why in the world would I do that, when I have no intention of paying you anyway.""

"Michael Jackson has reportedly stepped right into his new role as a dad, spending many hours a day with his newborn son, doing the changing, the buying, even the breastfeeding."

"In Wisconsin, students at Menomonie High School are desperately fighting efforts by the politically correct to change their team nickname, "the Indians." Already opponents of the name have rejected the students' first compromise, "the Drunken Indians.""

""Bessie the Cow," the most famous bovine citizen of San Antonio, Texas, is now listed in "Ripley's Believe It or Not" after giving birth to her tenth set of calf twins. Bessie also made "Ripley's" for having the "least original name for a cow.""

March 15, 1997 (Sting)

"More bad news for O.J. Simpson. This week HarperCollins reached an agreement with the Brown family to publish his late wife's diary. Especially troublesome to Simpson is this final entry ..."'Dear Diary, I have to run now because O.J.'s here to murder me and the guy who returned my glasses.""

"In North Carolina, a legislative panel has agreed on a bill which guarantees a murder victim's family two front-row seats to watch the killer's execution. The ruling has angered both North Carolina's death penalty opponents and death penalty season ticket holders."

"The President spent last night at Bethesda Naval Hospital in a private room which he shared with three Chinese businessman who came up with the required $200,000."

"President Clinton this week declined an offer by Republicans to form a bipartisan commission to scale back annual increases in Social Security. Asked why he rejected the proposal, the President said, '"Personally, I liked the idea of a bipartisan commission. But the two Chinese guys who gave me a million dollars, just wouldn't go for it!""

"This week, the White House asked Congress to authorize $175 billion in funds for highway construction, mass transit, and other transportation projects. The President's plan has significant support in Congress but many Washington insiders are wondering, "How exactly does this benefit China?""

"Weekend Update's' 1997 survey of the Most Dangerous Jobs in America isout today. The biggest change, last year's No. 1, 'West Coast Rap Star,' hasbeen knocked out of the top spot by the new most dangerous job in America, "East Coast Rap Star.""

"In New York, police have arrested a local Queens man, whom they are calling the "serial fondler." Apparently the man suffers from an intense desire to run up behind women and squeeze their buttocks. Psychologists call this behavior "normal.""

"Next week Irish people everywhere will celebrate Saint Patrick's Day. Or, as alcoholics refer to it, Monday."

"And in financial news ... H.J. Heinz has announced plans to lay off 3,000 workers. According to company spokesmen, employees who refuse to budge will be turned over and shaken vigorously until they slide out."

March 22, 1997 (Mike Myers)

"This week, a London tabloid published the first exclusive pictures of Michael Jackson's baby, secretly taken by a guest at the King of Pop's Neverland Ranch. Upon seeing the pictures, Michael said, "This is not my baby," then quickly added, "I'm not saying he isn't hot, it's just not my kid.""

"In Congress, members of the House Women's Caucus say prosecution of sex offenders must be the Army's top priority, despite concerns of racial insensitivity on the part of investigators, which would be the second priority. Then I guess the Army's third priority would have to be defending the country, unless there's something else I missed."

"Reader's Digest has released its 1997 list of the best and worst places to raise a family in the U.S. The best place is Sheboygan, Wis., while the worst place in America to raise a family is the Neverland Ranch."

"In music news, Dr. Jack Kevorkian has performed and recorded a one-hour CD of his own jazz compositions for the flute. You know, Dr. Kevorkian, I've listened to your CD and I've got some advice: Don't quit your day job. You know, murdering old people."

"On Thursday in a stunning admission, the Liggett Group, makers of Chesterfield, Lark, and L&M cigarettes acknowledged publicly that their cigarettes are addictive and do cause cancer. Hours later, the four other major tobacco-makers Reynolds, Phillip Morris, Lorillard, and Brown and Williamson issued a joint statement saying quote, "Today's announcement comes as no surprise. Everyone knows Liggett cigarettes cause cancer.""

"Also this week a California newspaper revealed that O.J. Simpson was awarded custody of his children mainly  ecause a court-ordered psychological test showed that he is a loving father. It should be noted, however, the same test also showed that he was a loving husband."

"Late this week, President Clinton and Russian President Boris Yelstin met in Helsinki to discuss the sensitive topic of NATO expansion. For his part, Yeltsin stood firm, saying he must do what is right for Russia, while Clinton also stood firm, saying he must do what is right for China."

"Meanwhile, at the University of Nebraska, computer scientists have developed a version of the Internet up to one hundred times faster than the current system. According to analysts, those using the new system to log onto America Online will now be disconnected in three one thousandths of a second."

"A person who suffers two sharp, powerful blows to the head within a short period of time can suffer brain damage or even die, according to a new study in the medical journal, "DUH!""

"Earlier today, the biggest auction ever of Beatles memorabilia took place in Tokyo. Among the one-of-a-kind items on the block were Paul McCartney's birth certificate, a white Mercedes-Benz owned by John Lennon and rarest of all, a photo of George Harrison not looking haggard."

April 12, 1997 (Rob Lowe)

"This week, after months of speculation, sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres finally admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really gay."

"In a radio interview this week, First Lady Hillary Clinton scoffed at conspiracy nuts obsessed with Whitewater ¬ comparing them to cult groups fascinated by UFOs and the Hale-Bopp comet. Though she did concede one point of similarity between Whitewater and Heaven's Gate ¬ 39 castrated dead people."

"The White House says that surviving relatives of those who died in a 40-year-old federal study which allowed men infected with syphilis to go untreated, will get an official apology from President Clinton. According to the President, "If not for the sacrifices made by these brave men, I would not be alive today.""

"Oprah Winfrey's long-time boyfriend, Steadman Graham, has written a new book called, "You Can Make It Happen: A Nine-Step Plan for Success." Step No. 1: Go out with Oprah Winfrey."

"In St. Louis, Miss., a father who lost joint-custody of his two sons after undergoing a sex change operation, now plans to ask an appeals court to reconsider its ruling that gave sole custody to the boys' mother. Hmmmm, I wonder who's going to win this case? The mother of the two children, or the guy who had his penis twisted into a fake vagina?"

"In Michigan, state Historical Commission officials say they won't interfere with the building of a new major league sports stadium even if construction unearths historical artifacts. However, state Indian Affairs officials say that if relics from a Native American tribe are found, they would like to have the land set aside and designated as a sacred tribal burial ground/giant casino."

"Last week in Kansas City, two homeless people who met at a soup kitchen were married in front of homeless guests at the very same soup kitchen. For those who want to give the couple a wedding gift, they're registered at Kansas City's District 5 Recycling Plant."

"In California, pet owners can now take canine friends to the world's first doggy wedding chapel, where dogs can be married in a civil ceremony, ending when the Justice of the Peace says, "You may now sniff the ass.""

"Recently, a group of Orthodox rabbis declared that other branches of Judaism are, "not Judaism at all," thus challenging the religious status of millions of American Jews. This week that statement was rejected by reform leader Rabbi Dov Schonstein, who said, "Our legitimacy as Jews flows from the richness of our Jewish lives, the strength of our communities and most important, our deep belief in Jesus Christ.""

April 19, 1997 (Pamela Lee)

"Embattled House Speaker Newt Gingrich may finally have solved his financial troubles. On Thursday, Gingrich announced that former Senator Bob Dole has loaned him $300,000 needed to pay his ethics committee fine. And today more good news for Gingrich ... Dole has already forgotten he loaned him the money." 

"According to O.J. Simpson's niece Terry Baker, when O.J.'s mother Eunice Simpson first heard about the slaying of Nicole Brown, she exclaimed, "He did it!" Reached for comment, O.J. said, "My mom was just guessing, I hadn't even

told her yet.""

"Secretary of State Madeline Albright has announced that she will represent the United States this summer at ceremonies marking the transfer of British Hong Kong to Chinese rule. President Clinton also plans to attend the event, but he'll be representing China." 

"This week, as America marked the fiftieth anniversary of Jackie Robinson's entry into major league baseball, there was a social sobering reminder that racial prejudice in sports is not yet a thing of the past. In a shocking move, all but one of the 125 playing members of the Professional Golf Association signed a petition to ban African American golfers from the tour." 

"According to a survey in the new issue of Men's Health Magazine, men are much more likely to procrastinate than woman. Except when it comes to having an orgasm." 

"Last week in Tampa, Florida, William Santiago, a mail carrier for 27 years, was fired from his job and now faces up to five years in jail for keeping two magazines which had been sent to a nonexistent address. Postal officials admit they could have let him off with just a warning, but then he wouldn't come back some day and shoot 30 people."

"In South Dakota, inmates at the State Penitentiary say a new policy which allows officials to read their mail is an example of the routine violation of individual rights in prison. A better example would be the daily rapes, but I guess they want to start off small."

"Newt Gingrich this week criticized Attorney General Janet Reno's decision not to seek an independent counsel to investigate Democratic fund raising, even comparing her to notorious Watergate figure John Mitchell. Reno called the

comparison ridiculous, saying for one thing, "John Mitchell didn't have a mustache.""

"The votes are in and Entertainment Weekly has chosen its "funniest man alive." And who is the funniest man alive? You guessed it ¬ Frank Stallone."

May 10, 1997 (John Goodman)

"In court documents made public this week, independent counsel Kenneth Starr told a federal judge that Hillary Clinton is now a "central figure" in the Whitewater criminal probe. Reacting to the news, President Clinton called the investigation a "partisan witch hunt," vowing, "If the First Lady is somehow convicted and has to go to jail, I will do everything in my power to wait two weeks to start dating.""

"FBI Director Louis Freeh said this week that Attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflict of interest in her investigation of Democratic fundraising. Freeh also pointed out that Reno might have a conflict of interest between her x and y chromosomes." 

"There was some good news for Michael Kennedy this week when the lawyer for the babysitter's family called the 39-year-old Kennedy "a sick, pathetic individual," while the County District Attorney described him as an "alcoholic cradle robber who, sadly, is going to get away with it." Meanwhile, kinder words came from his uncle, Senator Ted Kennedy, who called him "an inspiration.""

"Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this week that after three-and-a-half years of marriage he is seeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According to Trump, Maples violated a key part of their marriage agreement when she decided to turn 30."

"Last weekend in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stills & Nash was inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. In addition, a special lifetime achievement award was presented to David Crosby's liver."

"In other music news, Paul McCartney will take part in his first live online chat May 17, and a record two-and-a-half million calls have already come in from people hoping to have an actual moment of contact with the former Beatle. Though it should be noted, two million of those calls came from Ringo Starr."

"In Albany, N.Y., Susan John has been asked to resign as chairwoman of the State Assembly's Alcohol and Drug Abuse Committee following her arrest on drunk-driving charges. On the bright side for John, she has been asked to chair the Assembly's Committee on Irony."

"This week New York Senator Al D'Amato repeated his claim that, during the second World War, Switzerland aided the Nazi war effort and helped launder money stolen from Jews. These charges are the result of a lengthy, thorough investigation by the senator which proves 'beyond a shadow of doubt' that New York has lots and lots of Jewish voters, and no Swiss voters."

"In Washington, D.C., public school officials are asking parents to pay for needed equipment, such as a new state-of-the-art surveillance system that one area school has requested. According to the school's principal, the new system will help him monitor cheerleaders he claims like to vandalize school property while showering."

"In an attempt to secure federal funding, a rural Idaho county wants the state Transportation Board to designate some of its roads as "back-country byways." To strengthen their case, local officials plan to sexually assault Ned Beatty."

May 17, 1997 (Jeff Goldblum)

"Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesday against Air Force Lt. Kelly Flynn, the nation's first female B-52 pilot. Flynn is accused of conducting an adulterous affair with a married man as well as having a brief fling with a second airman and then lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor called her a "sexual predator," while her commanding officer has called her a "lying sex addict." Meanwhile, President Clinton called her."

"This week talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressed published reports that her husband had an extra-marital affair saying, "Frank did and always does what is right." Kathie Lee's statement has been widely interpreted as a public admission that her husband beats her."

"Earlier this year, the Liggett Group paid out more than 750 million dollars in a court settlement when it admitted that its cigarettes are addictive. And this week, the tobacco company unveiled its new warning label ¬ 'Warning: Don't try to sue us, we don't have any money left."

"In San Francisco last week a birthday party for one of the area's leading political figures, attended by the city's mayor, the Sheriff, and members of the board of supervisors, culminated with a performance in which a dominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic star into the back of her male partner, then urinated on him, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquor bottle. After learning of the incident from press reports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outrage that the liquor bottle was not recycled."

"Under a new law passed by the State Assembly, effective next year, Michigan will set aside an allotment of hunting licenses for blind people. This after years of relentless lobbying by deer."

"A new survey by the Washington Post reports that D.C. Mayor Marion Barry's popularity among city residents has dropped to its lowest point in five years. However, Mayor Barry insists he has no interest in polls, or for that matter, anything else that isn't crack."

"O.J. himself may have some explaining to do. For months he has denied hiding financial assets, including valuable sports momentos, from the Brown and Goldman families. But earlier today, Simpson pal A.C. Cowlings was stopped as he tried to leave the country. In the back seat of his Bronco, police found O.J.'s Heisman Trophy disguised with a tiny fake beard."

"It was reported this week that Simpson prosecutors Marcia Clark and Chris Darden often passed sexually explicit notes back and forth at the trial, notes which discussed each other's 'turn ons.' And according to the notes both are turned on by the same thing ¬ Alan Dershowitz."

Other Episodes1 

"The White House angrily denies charges that burial plots in Arlington National Cemetery were being handed out as political favors. Although presidential spokesman Mike McCurry did acknowledge it's not easy to explain the Tomb of the Unknown Asian Contributor." 

"On the seventh season of MTV's THE REAL WORLD, the young people will represent different backgrounds, ages, religions, and sexual orientations. They will, however, share one trait in common: I will hate them."

"The other thing in the news is that Hale-Bop comet.... You know, its kinda sad, the whole comet thing is tainted now.  Whenever you look up there now, all you think about is a bunch of dirty ghosts flying around with the aliens up there. Maybe the aliens are going "You morons!  On our planet, we value testicles above all else!!""

"In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student. Miss LeTourneau has been branded a sex offender, or as the kids refer to her, ""the greatest teacher of all time.""

"Scientists have successfully cloned a frog without a head. Next, they plan to clone a human without a head, for organ transplants... not to mention give me horriffic nightmares for the rest of my life."

"Carni Wilson, formerly of Wilson Phillips says that her talk show will be different than other talk shows, in that she will treat her guests with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them."

"Kenny G released his Christmas album this week. Happy birthday, Jesus ...hope you like crap!"

"The state of Michigan's legislature has just passed a law allowing the blind to hunt deer. The biggest supporters of the new law? THE DEER."

"Attorney General Janet Reno charged Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet and has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day. Analysts say that at this rate, Bill Gates will be broke just 10 years after the earth crashes into the sun."

"AT&T laid off 25,000 workers this week. A spokesman for AT&T said, "Hey, anybody need a good spokesman?""

Sources

• http://www.fakenews.net/update/

• http://funny115.com/norm/normpersonalfavorites.htm (and subsequent pages)

Notes

1 : Mostly from the episodes of the 1994-95, 1995-96 & 1997-98 seasons, some of which are missing full transcripts:

• September 24, 1994  (Steve Martin)

• October 1, 1994  (John Travolta)

• October 15, 1994  (Marisa Tomei)

• October 22, 1994  (Dana Carvey)

• November 12, 1994  (Sarah Jessica Parker)

• November 19, 1994  (John Turturro)

• December 3, 1994  (Roseanne)

• December 10, 1994  (Alec Baldwin)

• December 17, 1994  (George Foreman)

• January 14, 1995  (Jeff Daniel)

• January 21, 1995  (David Hyde Pierce)

• February 11, 1995  (Bob Newhart)

• February 18, 1995  (Deion Sanders)

• February 25, 1995  (George Clooney)

• March 18, 1995  (Paul Reiser)

• March 25, 1995  (John Goodman)

• April 8, 1995  (Damon Wayons)

• April 15, 1995  (Courtney Cox)

• May 6, 1995  (Bob Sagat)

• May 13, 1995  (David Duchovny)

• September 30, 1995  (Mariel Hemmingway)

• October 7, 1995  (Chevy Chase)

• October 21, 1995  (David Schwimmer)

• October 28, 1995  (Gabriel Byrne)

• November 11, 1995  (Quentin Tarentino)

• November 18, 1995  (Laura Leighton)

• December 2, 1995  (Anthony Edwards)

• December 9, 1995  (David Alan Grier)

• December 16, 1995  (Madeline Kahn)

• January 13, 1996  (Christopher Walken)

• January 20, 1996  (Alec Baldwin)

• February 10, 1996  (Danny Aiello)

• February 17, 1996  (Tom Arnold)

• February 24, 1996  (Elle McPherson)

• March 16, 1996  (John Goodman)

• March 23, 1996  (Phil Hartman)

• April 13, 1996  (Steve Forbes)

• April 20, 1996  (Teri Hatcher)

• May 11, 1996  (Christine Baranski)

• May 18, 1996  (Jim Carrey)

• September 27, 1997  (Sylvester Stallone)

• October 4, 1997  (Matthew Perry)

• October 18, 1997  (Brendan Fraser)

• October 25, 1997  (Chris Farley)

• November 8, 1997  (John Lovitz)

• November 15, 1997  (Claire Danes)

• November 22, 1997  (Mayor Rudy Giuliani)

• December 6, 1997  (Nathan Lane)

•  December 13, 1997  (Helen Hunt)